first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
