I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
