so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
