A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
