I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
