just survived the first fart of the relationship.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
