I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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