he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
There's a naked man in my car right now.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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