I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
