Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
