yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
