so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
