A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
