think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
