ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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