Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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