No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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