My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
