There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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