He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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