Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
