dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i drank out of a bidet.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
