So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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