I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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