I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
