Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
