I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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