and my herpes radar will keep us safe
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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