i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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