...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
