we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I think a kid would responsible me up
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
