shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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