It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Randomize
