Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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