ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
