It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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