Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
