She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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