that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
