No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
