im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
