Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
