shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
