Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Why are your pants in the freezer?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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