i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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