Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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