Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
