Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
