i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
