I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
