I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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