I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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